


from what i've heard

by mischief7manager



Series: but for now let's all pretend [5]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Character Study, Demisexual Character, Demisexuality, F/F, Families of Choice, Gen, Lesbian Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-14
Updated: 2016-02-14
Packaged: 2018-05-20 12:11:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6005415
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mischief7manager/pseuds/mischief7manager
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"She doesn’t talk about it much, mostly because it doesn’t seem important. She hasn’t been in love with anyone for a long time, and she needs the feelings for the physical desires to follow, so she hasn’t done any of that in even longer. Still, it might be nice. To have someone. To be had by someone. She’s not lonely, but… it might be nice."</p>
<p>A character study.</p>
            </blockquote>





	from what i've heard

**Author's Note:**

> I'm probably most nervous about posting this one out of all my fic so far, just because I know my interpretation of Pike might not line up with other people's, but here goes. Title from "Love is All" by The Tallest Man on Earth, used by Ashley Johnson in her Pike character playlist. Spoilers through episode 42.

     She doesn’t talk about it much, mostly because it doesn’t seem important. She hasn’t been in love with anyone for a long time, and she needs the feelings for the physical desires to follow, so she hasn’t done any of  _ that _ in even longer. Grog knows she prefers women, because Grog was there for her truly embarrassing crush on a traveling merchant who stayed with their family for a while, before Vox Machina and everything that came with it. Pike spent a summer turning bright pink and stammering her way through conversations about herbs and medicines while Grog lurked in the background making increasingly less subtle attempts to distract her. 

     Once she and Grog hit the road, and once they team up with the SHITs (what? it’s a good name), she doesn’t have the time or the inclination to pursue a romance. She can’t do casual, not like Grog or Scanlan. Even Keyleth, for all she has no interest in sex, seems to go blushy over a new someone with a certain frequency. The only ladies Pike is around with enough regularity to develop feelings or desires for are Vex and Keyleth, and she quickly finds both of them have become too much of a family to her for romance to be an option. 

     It’s not like she’s lonely, or really that she’s missing anything. She has Grog, and Scanlan, and all of Vox Machina, and the other people at the temple of Sarenrae, and Sarenrae herself. Compared to some of her friends, she thinks, she’s got an abundance of family and people to love. (She makes a mental note to check in on Percy again. He’s been doing better with the smoke thing out of him, but it can’t hurt to let him know she’s there for him.) 

     Still, it might be nice. To have someone. To be had by someone. She’s not lonely, but… it might be nice.

 

* * *

 

     If you didn’t know them, Pike guesses it makes sense to think that she and Grog should not get along. He’s huge, she’s tiny, he’s a barbarian, she’s a healer, he spends his spare coin in brothels, she has very little interest in such things. Maybe that’s the reason they’re friends: they balance each other out. He reminds her to have fun, she reminds him that killing people isn’t an appropriate reaction outside the battlefield. He’s her best friend in the whole world. 

     Vex joked once that they’d make “an adorable couple.” Pike and Grog’s matching expressions of horror and disgust were apparently funny enough to make Vex laugh until she cried. 

 

* * *

 

     The first day at Sarenrae’s temple, Pike cries for a solid three hours. The other workers don’t really seem to know what to do with her, so they leave her alone after they show her to the section they’ve set aside as living quarters. She manages to get her bedroll out before she collapses in a puddle of tears. She’s left family before, of course, but it hurts just as much this time. Worse, in some ways, because she owes her life to Vox Machina, and they owe theirs to her, a dozen times over, and she can’t shake the feeling that something awful is going to happen while she’s gone and it’ll be her fault if they can’t make it through this time. 

     But even tears can’t last forever, and once she’s cried herself out, Pike shakes her head. What’s done is done, and blaming herself for things she can’t control does nobody any good. She has a job to do here, and she owes it to herself to do it well. She stands up, wipes her eyes, and goes to find the other workers to ask how she can help. As she does, she feels her holy symbol pulse once, and warmth briefly wraps around her. She smiles. She may have left her family, but she’s not alone, and that’s not nothing. 

 

* * *

 

     The truth is, Pike does kind of enjoy Scanlan’s attention.

     Not in a sexy way or anything like that. Her tastes run much more to the feminine persuasion, even if she doesn’t partake very often. There were some moments, in the beginning, where she wondered if she shouldn’t reject him outright, if it was cruel to even hint at the possibility of someday. 

     But, well, she likes it. It’s nice to feel beautiful and wanted, even when she’s sweaty and smelly and covered in muck and blood. There haven’t been many people in her life who’ve made her feel that way, even fewer since she joined Vox Machina, and receiving that kind of attention just makes her feel good about herself.

     She knows if she seriously turned him down, told him it was making her uncomfortable or that she was tired of his advances, Scanlan would leave her alone. Scanlan knows it, too, and she thinks on some level he knows it won’t go anywhere, even if he hasn’t acknowledged it. She can’t say for sure what his thoughts on the matter are, but for her part, it’s becoming almost a comforting ritual. She can always count on Scanlan to be Scanlan, no matter what else is going on, and having that thread to hold onto has felt like a saving grace, at times. It’s a well-worn dance they’re doing, this give and take, and it never fails to make her smile. She wonders, watching Vax and Gilmore flirt their way out of the shop on multiple occasions, if they’re not tracing a few of the same steps. She hopes they understand the rules as well as she does. Dancing is one thing, feelings are something else entirely. 

 

* * *

 

     So Pike died this one time. 

     She came back, obviously. They brought her back, the priests and her friends. She can’t imagine what they must have felt, working so hard with no way of knowing if they’d succeed in reviving her. She thinks it must still be pretty painful, because they don’t talk about it much. When they do, it’s hushed, like they think saying the words will make it happen all over again. Before that, it had all been kind of a game to them. There were some close calls, sure, but they always pulled through. They were strong and powerful, and it made them feel a little, well, invincible. Like as long as they were together, nothing  _ too _ bad could happen. They don’t feel that way anymore.

     Pike doesn’t like to think about that time too much, for obvious reasons. She thinks she’s handled it pretty well, all things considered. She did some traveling, bought some armor, came back stronger than before. Here lately, though, that moment of her death… It’s been on her mind. 

     Not surprising, considering how many people have died in front of her in the past couple days. The dragons have destroyed everything, it seems like, and it’s all she can do to keep her focus on helping the people who survived. She throws herself into healing and comforting, and there’s always another person to help. 

     Scanlan finds her in the temple on the second day. The others have just returned from their trip into the city to talk to the Clasp, and she can tell from the tension in the group that it didn’t go well. Scanlan plops down on a bench next to the table where she’s sorting herbs and sighs heavily, in the way she knows means he’s got something on his mind but wants someone to ask about it before he’ll talk.

     “So how’d it go with the Clasp?”

     Scanlan sighs again, dramatic as always. “Well, Vax turned down their deal, they kicked him out, and now everyone in the Clasp hates us and has orders to kill us on sight.”

     Pike quirks a smile. “So, about how we expected?”

     That gets a laugh, though it’s softer and more tired than usual. Pike looks over to find Scanlan’s eyes closed as he leans against the wall behind him. She’s used to him being the funny one, always ready with a joke or a bad idea. Even he’s exhausted by what’s happened, a sign of how bad things really are. “You okay?” she asks. 

     He waves a hand. “I’m fine, Pike. We didn’t actually fight anybody, save your healing for the ‘fugees.”

     After a moment’s pause, in which Pike makes the decision to overlook his choice in descriptor, she sits next to him and bumps his shoulder. “Not really what I meant.” 

     He’s quiet for so long she thinks he might not have heard her. She’s about to say something when he speaks up. “This is pretty bad, huh.” It’s not a question.

     She nods. “Yeah. It’s pretty bad.” They sit there for a moment, looking at the dozens of beds filled with injured, at the infirmary in the place of what used to be a sanctuary. “I’m glad Kaylie got out okay,” she says after a while. Scanlan tenses next to her, and she bites her lip. The whole Kaylie thing is still kind of weird, for lots of reasons, but she really is glad the girl’s alright. Presumably alright. Not in the city ruled by dragons, at any rate. 

     “Me, too,” he says finally. He sighs again. “Sorry I didn’t tell you about her sooner.”

     Pike shakes her head. “No, it’s fine, Scanlan,” she says, scooting closer so she can press her shoulder against his. “You had a lot to work through, in your own time.” She pauses, and looks down at her hands, still thoughtlessly twisting a bundle of herbs. “I haven’t really been around recently, so I get it if you-”

     Scanlan cuts her off. “Pike!” he gasps, pressing a hand to his heart. “Are you suggesting that my affections for you strayed during your  _ completely understandable _ absence? Because if so, you are totally mistaken.”

     It’s such a Scanlan way of reacting that she can’t help but giggle. “Of course. I’m sorry, Scanlan, I didn’t meant to imply any infidelity on your part.”

     He nods firmly. “Good, because we both know I am, and always will be, utterly devoted to you and you alone.”

     “Except when you’re picking up girls who turn out to be related to you?” It’s out before she can stop herself, and she lets out another giggle at Scanlan’s wounded expression.

     “Low blow, Trickfoot,” he says, his voice filled with mock pain. “Low blow.” 

     She laughs, overloud in the hush of the temple, and it’s only a second before Scanlan joins in. They get some odd looks from some of the injured, but in this moment of levity in the midst of all the pain and suffering, Pike can’t bring herself to care. There’s death and dragons and a hundred other awful things around them, but she’s got a friend to share the burden. No matter what happens, she’s glad of that. 

**Author's Note:**

> This one took the longest to write of any of them so far. Tell me what you thought?


End file.
